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Emergency Questions: 1001 conversation-savers for any situation

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Although the studio recording wouldn’t see release until the excellent Boxette compilation in 2007, Saint Etienne performed Absolute Beginners – which, at that point, was still one of Bowie’s most neglected songs – as part of the set on their joint tour with Pulp early in 1993; reputedly, this recording was shelved because they felt it hadn’t quite captured the thrill of those live shows. Ben Evans: How do you think Simon Pegg was chosen to play the amazing role of Thompson in the new Tintin film? Would you rather have a hand made out of ham, an armpit that dispensed sun cream, or a tit that dispensed talcum powder? If you found out that it was actually made out of wasp urine, and always had been, would it still be your favourite and would you carry on drinking it?

Actually someone on Twitter did try to snitch on me to Richard once for ‘stealing’ his clearly labelled and acknowledged idea and the results were entertaining to say the least.If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste? If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose? But if you had to put a chocolate bar in your vagina, which chocolate bar would you put in your vagina? Sphere is home to some of the world's best-loved authors and books, ranging from Jenny Colgan and Carole Matthews to Mark Billingham, Val McDermid and even Gwyneth Paltrow. If the sun wasn’t going to come up tomorrow unless you threw a member of your family into a volcano, which member of your family would you throw into the volcano, or would you not throw anyone in and doom your hemisphere to icy death?

Is it cheating to have sex with someone who has had an organ donated to them by your partner, or is it your duty?What would you rather find at the end of the universe: Candy Land or Pink, Purple, and Pinky-Purple Land? Despite presumably only being broadcast once, the song seems to have indelibly imprinted itself onto the memory of anyone who saw it. Would you rather have real-life VAR (the controversial Video Assistant Referee used in football matches) […] or only be able to earn a living as a look-alike of someone famous?

The second is a weirdly memorable sigh of irritated resignation from John Cleese in the original television version of the Parrot Sketch from Monty Python’s Flying Circus, back in the days when he was hilariously sending up selfish small-minded people who oddly consider themselves intellectually superior to everyone else when every single anecdote they relate seems to prove the exact opposite, rather than making eight million episode documentary series for Channel 4 about how anyone who isn’t a white middle class male is very very mean to them and won’t let them have, say, an eight million episode documentary series for Channel 4. There will be some slightly fonder memories of Record Breakers shortly in case you were about to start complaining that I was ruining your childhood, but in the meantime, further concern was expressed about Norris when Joanne Sheppard talked about The Guinness Book Of Pet Records on Looks Unfamiliar here. Morrissey, as you can find out here, is the primary reason why I never really find myself wanting to listen to The Smiths as much any more. Which two different and incompatible animal species would you most like to interbreed in a cruel genetic experiment, and what kind of creature do you imagine this unholy union would create? If you had to wear somebody’s guts for garters, if you had to, who would you disembowel to facilitate your socks staying up?

It is also, as Mark Kermode will attest in his anecdote about trying to learn it in a week, incredibly difficult to master even if you can already get some astonishing bluesy wails out of the Diatonic. I will also say that this always seems to be an unusually popular fact about myself on dating sites for reasons I cannot quite fathom. He’s well known and provides entertainment in a variety of guises, but he still gives the impression he’d be incredibly polite if he ever met your mother.

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